OOPS! While Sam was clearing his room, he trashed a few things he wasn’t supposed to. Dig in and check out what he missed...
What a certified legend. What’s that? Das Schpankenspiel?! Isn’t that where Bruno started out before he got his big break...that’d be about right, what with him being a fictional character!!
Sam & Ash are old hands at this: Sam once bought a McDonalds uniform on eBay and faked a badge so he could fulfil his teenage fantasy of having sex in a McDonalds after hours, feasting on a post-coital Big Mac and bottomless strawberry milkshake...he actually stuck it out at the job for a little bit because he and Ash loved the idea of eating homemade McDonalds – that is, stolen wholesale bags worth of chips and nuggets and buns and patties to deep fry at home. Ash even went to the expense of buying one of those industrial freezers for their loot.
Sofia’s a wreck, Winchester has binned her permission slip for the Science Championship.
Oh no, looks like the Moussaka really ruined her chance at a place in the final now, guess it wasn’t meant to be...
Yikes, Alex is going to want her Press Pass back, I wonder what counterfeiting Sam’s been doing this time?! Alex is going to lose her shit; this little baby gets her into her pick of hot events. Last year she blagged her way into all the top shows at New York Fashion Week...she had about a fifty percent success rate of gaining access by pretending she was a model in the show, with the bouncers at the after parties...which is pretty impressive given that she’s only 5ft 3”!
‘Let’s go Bulldogs, let’s go!’
That’s right, Alex is a Yale Alumna. According to her, Yale is indisputably better than Harvard:
“Even when you weren’t such a loser, Sam, you lost out to me, hahahaha!”
Let’s just say Ash has a peculiar taste in women. He met the lovely Bernice (girlyouknewfrom_42) on granophile-friendly chatroom Whorticulturalist two years ago. She's been sending him British food like Marmite and Twix-bar all the way from Cheshire ever since.
Highly confidential but take a peek! Perhaps those rumors were true after all. Looks like Augustine does suppress her estrogen levels to ensure she can compete with her male board-members. Augustine’s upbringing may have a lot to answer for.
As the youngest of four, and the only girl, Augustine was shunned by her father, a high-ranking officer from the French Legion with painfully high expectations for his sons, investing all his efforts to shape them into men worthy of carrying the Augustine family name. However, the extent of his strict regime and almost fascistic rule pushed his boys to the brink, sending them into early signs of wayward behavior (two went on to become drug addicts, the other ran away to live in Australia accepting no contact with anyone in the family after progressive therapy). Thus, her father put all his efforts into Augustine, encouraging her with militant perspective and Machiavellian dominance. So, delighted with the new attention, Augustine went on to surprise her father, in his words, as, “the son I have!”
Did you know before Winchester (or so she says), Carlotta had a heated fling with Dennis Quaid? Seems like he just can’t get over Mrs. Spoël.
After a decade on the runway, Carlotta’s used to the finer things in life. A good chunk of the Spoël money keeps the whole floor dedicated to her walk-in-wardrobe of their Upper East Side mansion fully stocked.
It’s not the worst way to go, is it? Ash generously shared his lobster roll with Ernesto, before, well...you know the rest of the story. RIP little guy.
Poor Jeff, he keeps it to himself, but he’s spent the last ten years hemorrhaging money to put Sam & Alex through school. He wanted to build an extension on his house, of course that’s not going to happen.
Holy Jesus! That’s one fat medical bill. No wonder Julian’s mom is so pissed at Penelope for what she did.
Yikes! Almost 3AM when Mimimoko started receiving an onslaught of panicked messages from Winchester. Lucky for him, she has a very cool disposition.
All kids applying for Debeauvoir Junior Prep need to complete a simple Psych Evaluation, nothing heavy.
Oh dear, looks like Julian is displaying some serious signs of Displaced Oedipal Rage. No wonder he didn’t get a place first time round.
Whoa, look away kids! Ms. Reese discovered the mind-altering effects of this hallucinogenic root whilst chartering enemy territory in her days as a Navy Seal in Caxias de Escraijonei.
Haven’t heard of it? Probably because Reesy was the first to discover it.
Oh no, not you as well, Fabian’s already had enough of Winchester’s insinuations over his unsightly coldsore...it’s from an unfortunate incident with a dirty fork at Denny’s, honestly!
EW! What the hell is that?!
Relax, it’s just Penelope’s epic burger with a gazillion extras: Pink-iced doughnut base, plastic cheese, spaghetti, chocolate sauce, raspberry ice-cream sauce, bacon, cookie, mac’n’cheese and a ton of marshmallows.
Oh God, I think – I’m gonna barf...GROSS!
Akatoshi Naguri might be one of the world’s leading Corporate Masterminds and with good reason: he was the first to pioneer the VR headset as an at home project for his kids, and after turning round Coca-Cola in the 80s he revitalized Gaming in the East making it the key market, but even the strict and stoic have a soft spot...Naguri’s is a Kit Kat break.
“No way! You’ve got to be kidding, where did you find this?!”
Might have been Sam’s response to receiving this back when it was on his dorky reading list. I’d fish that out of the trash if I were Sam, doesn’t he realize Dr. Rupandalipandita’s seminal book sells for upwards of $187 on Amazon?
This looks very serious. Oh my God, are you reading this? Looks like Sam & Ash came damn close to getting kicked out of Harvard. Hahahahaha, they did what?!
Legends. Total. Utter. Legends.
Sam wasn’t kidding, that is some sick shit they served over there. Fermented brains in bladder soup? Is that Monkey’s Testicles? He’s got some balls!
That’s an interesting list of contacts, pretty lo-fi piece of kit too. Are you sure that isn’t Sam’s dealer’s cell or something?
El Shags Mallone? Gina from KFC, 8/10, Ashington DC. Oh dear, it is Sam’s phone after all! To think this man was educated at one of the world’s leading institutions and not in an institution for the mentally retarded!
Now that’s what I call an accurate depiction of Winchester. Who knew Seb was so talented? Props, pretty funny for a kid.
Wait...Psycho, Dick-sucking? Hitler?! And Winchester read these out in his presentation? Whoaaa...BURN!
The FCA has approved it, so it must be legit right? But there was that whole scandal about the tax fraud, I’m sure I remember reading that Spowl name in the papers...
Let’s not pretend we don’t know exactly what the hell that symbol means!!! Christ! Stephen, you baller!
Ever wish you could un-see something?
You’ll know the true meaning of the word cringe once you have a read of this. Think Boris Pasternak in need of a double dose of Prozac. Somebody get this kid a shrink!
Forgive me Father? Jeeeez, bet these albums are full of party-bangers and future #1 singles. NOT!
Seb is such a little punk. This is the bag he stole from Sam’s dealer, Twister. Zoonie, his right hand man, got ‘reprimanded’ for "swiping my mother#!?%ing bag, you b!%*h motherf%*#er!"
Crikey, Sam really must be cleaning up his act if he’s binning this! Oh what the heck, one last j won’t hurt.
Looks harmless but this cookie has enough of the hard stuff in to get a whole football team blasted, something Winchester painfully found out at work after demolishing the tasty treat.
It didn’t just hammer the final nail in the coffin of Winchester’s career, it cost him the meal he’s been secretly looking forward to with the kids in honor of recently departed Ernesto. Winchester was really close to the little guy, he was quite the confidant in times of stress - let’s face it – daily, for Winchester. Sadly, he found the little mutt much easier to show affection to than any one of his kids.
Angela’s Oldies! Ouch, that’s got to hurt, Jonathan Hyde is a RADA trained Shakespearean actor, but when you gotta pay the bills, you gotta pay the bills.
Try to get through this without laughing at the sheer idiocy of it. Talk about taking out your anger on innocent bystanders. That does sound like a journey from hell though. Maybe they’ll send him a snow globe as an apology and a free voucher for a meal at The Gold Rush?
Winchester was in a rock band that toured with the Rolling Stones?!
That explains a fair bit. Awwww poor guy, he was so cool and now he must just hate his life. He went from being a legend to being “a goon in a suit” as Sam would say. No wonder he’s so mad all the time. The guy’s lost his soul. His passion. His joie de vivre. On the bright side, it explains why the kids are all so wild and adventurous, and it seems like Carlotta can probably forget all about that whole Marilyn-Manson-possible-biological-father business, Theo clearly got his love of music from Winchester!
Oh my God! People looked so voluntarily idiotic back then, it’s like they were playing a Who Can Dress As The Biggest Douche competition.
My bets are Winchester’s second from the right, to be honest he could be any of them, what with that facial hair!
Looks like it’s been going on a while, that Charleston headmaster must be very forgiving. Let’s just hope Winchester can turn it around. Sofia would be fine of course, but I’d hate to think what might become of Penny, Seb & Theo in a public school!
Raised by his Babushka, this is the only piece of Zinc’s identity he has left.
A purist, his apartment is utterly spartan, but for a a bed on the floor, a stool, and a book his mother gave him on his first birthday about an innocent and plucky little piglet who went to meet his hero, an old toad, who was said to be able to cure any ailment possible. Little piglet traveled for two years to find Old Toad in order to save his sickly mother. The toad was mean and refused him. The piglet was forced to come up with the cure himself. The story really resonated with Zinc, those closest to him say he lives his life by it and relies on nobody but himself to make his dreams come true.
Zinc thinks eating is overrated, it is the thing of ‘big fat chomping American Pigs’. “You do with your four meals a day, pudding-breakfast muffin-cake and milkshake-latte; I grew up strong like fortress living like caveman, a meal is luxury for the brave.”
Stephen and Donald go way back, long before he became President, the two of them frequently merged interests on deals in and around Manhattan. Though you might not know his name or recognize his face, in fact the richest guy in the photo is old pal Reza Baba el Housseini in the middle there: his net worth, reputation and power outstrips Donald and Stephen’s combined! Every year Donald and Reza spend a week in Monaco on Stephen’s Yacht ‘Sweet Lolita’ with the boys, where Melania allows him to let loose, no questions asked.
The art of bonsai is a dedication of the relentlessly patient individual; these aren’t just mini trees, or fanciful curiosities, but feats of meticulous restraint and composure. Naguri, who is also a master of Tai Chi has spent some forty years fostering his collection of Bonsai, mastering their chi and allowing their passive and balanced growth (Naguri insists on never using wire to train the branches).
His friend and Professor of Ancient Eastern Philosophy from Tokyo University urged him to write a book on his craft, he did - it went on to become the definitive and most trusted guide on the topic.
Heralded for its enigmatic and terse verses such as:
Firm trunk, solid ancestors
Water often, fail without end
Harsh winds, strong roots, no tension
Weak roots, soft winds, bitter life
Is Ash short for Audacious? Because you certainly gotta have some pretty substantial balls to cruise into an office you don’t work at with an entry pass you got printed at weprintanything.com using their sign-up discount code FREE_PRINT092.
You haven’t heard of Beanz? Where the hell have you bean? Ok, sorry, it’s just Beanz man! Beanz!! The game that reportedly took Winchester five whole exacting years of precision to program was the #1 selling game all over the world in the 1990s, including Mongolia, Cameroon and Kyrgyzstan. I mean if it made it all the way there, isn’t that saying something? I didn’t even know the last one was a country if I’m being honest, I think they must mean Kazakhstan. Beanz, oh man, the cornerstone of all gaming pleasure, I salute you, you colorful little masterpiece!
AWKWARD! Sofia’s 7-year-old sister is better at being a teenager than she is. She’s been terrified to ask dreamboat Joshua out this whole time and look how easy it was to seal the deal just a few dumb text and it’s done…shows, all you need in life is a little bit of pluck like Penelope!
Who knows why Sam started it? It certainly serves no discernable purpose in bettering the world. That is, unless the world depends upon Sam’s outrageous and rampant ego. But here it is and since it’s here there’s really no harm in looking...
Relax, they’re all consenting adults, that’s saying nothing of their questionable IQs...
Feast your eyes...Shaqonisha is a particular favorite!
In all seriousness, my guess is he’s putting his Harvard degree to good use and trying to conduct a very practical branch of anthropological research to map the world of women?
Everybody knows it not good news when your stomach starts playing up. There’s that lesser known phrase, how does it go...the way to a man’s stress is through his stomach? Wasn’t it Hitler who had persistent stomach issues? Call Dr. Freud, we have another patient!
"Dragon Slayer, through the mystic valley, over yonder imagination, reckless through forbidden lands. You are the dragon slayer, your task is at hand. You are the dragon Slayer, it’s peace they demand. You are the Dragon slayer, forge ahead and bring peace to this land."
Ash has sung the Dragon Slayer opening so many times, aloud, to himself, in the shower, in his dreams, stuck in his head through exams, jogging (he tried that once), that he really thinks it may have magically etched itself on his soul...he even told Sam one “mad-chronic” night that it’s the song he’d want played at his funeral. Who knows if he's serious, but Sam swore an oath he’d do it.
You know you are in the vicinity of an elite player when you see them opting for the downright cumbersome keys of the Blackberry over a slick new iPhone.
FBI Agents, terrorists and the President have one, and you know why? The encryption is tip-top, meaning no undesirable leaks of confidential information. But wait, how come Ash managed it? Damn, that’s one clever slacker!
Say what you will, I know you should never judge a woman on her size, but when they’re pathologically obsessed with their physique, it’s ok to throw in your two cents, and well, if you ask me, for all her strict regime, she had one heck of a lifeless flat ass, perhaps she has perfectly engineered it to match her unforgiving personality? "The only son I have."
To join Fitness Empire, you have to have 4 references (one from your therapist, one from a current member, one from a company CEO and one from the president or ex president) and there is a 17 year wait list. No, it’s not a swanky Manhattan hang-out, selling juices and offering Personal Trainers to massage your ego, but rather a dank basement in the depths of Harlem’s Latin Quarter. And no, that wasn’t a typo, 17 long years to wait for the most intense opportunity you’ll ever face; not for the faint hearted, if you want results, then you will sign the waiver forbidding court action by the family of the deceased (that’s you if you’re lucky enough to sign up). With ex- Bolshoi Ballerinas, Olympians, Supermodels filing up the headcount, and after the wives of Oligarchs pay outrageous sums only to get a decade cut off the waitlist, there is very little room left. Augustine isn’t one to wait.
Knicks tickets! Just the sort of inane yanky snooze-fest Zinc thought would lure Winchester away from finishing his competing pitch. Turns out Zinc isn’t quite as confident as he makes out if he needs to resort to such underhand tactics.
Thirty years ago there’s no way Zinc would be where he is today. The reason? Times have changed. Geeks became, first, acceptable, secondly, cool. Now Zinc is the one to watch and with a net worth creeping into a dizzying haze of zeros after the sale of his start-up ‘Ventalux Tech’ to Silicon Valley, according to the article, the only luxury Zinc has afforded himself, (“comfort is for the weak”) is a subscription to Fleet, a dating app reserved for VVIPs. Yes, two verys.
Oh God, Zinc is the guy from the Tesla...
Zinc spent many of his teenage years obsessed with Nikola Tesla and even fashioned himself a moustache for a few months, along with his gel parted hair-do to match.
Though you may have thought Zinc bought the car for the name, or maybe even for the cache, or for one of the many whizzy features; the real story is that Zinc and Elon Musk have been buddies for years now. Two kindred spirits, they forged a friendship over a love of technology, science & design, and a lust for innovation & world domination. So, as it happens the real reason the Tesla got its name is because, stuck on what to call it, Elon turned to Zinc who offered up the now definitive name.
Beep! BEEEP!! Watch out, angry old guy behind!
Who’d have thought, there’s more drama behind the scenes than the play itself. It all started once upon a time, when Carlotta flippantly promised Penelope she’d see her in her play, but if and only if she were the lead, “how could I sit there and see my daughter as some peasant and not as the star, no, that would make mummy sad.” To most it was an outright refusal. To Penelope it was a promise and just the motivation she needed...they do say ‘break a leg’ after all!
This may look like an innocuous camcorder, but do not be deceived, what we are dealing with here is a weapon on mass destruction. If you see this creeping round the corner, RUN! Seb is about to do something downright vile, gross, despicable, outrageous. Delete as applicable, but beware it will certainly end up with devastatingly embarrassing footage of you on his site: CovertSatan.
I wonder what effect this will have on Seb, will he ever get a job or get into college? It seems like one of those things that will haunt you...forever.
So what’s the deal? The clever little punk found Bin Laden’s cell number on the deep web and let’s just say by the looks of the counter-terrorist squad who surrounded the Spoël mansion, they wanted to know what business they have with the Bin Ladens. He wanted to prank call him, DUH!
Ahhhh, Jeff, the guy they called THE MAN back in the day, known for devouring deep and esoteric texts...look at him now, reading this garbage! I guess a broken heart and a longtime friend called Loneliness will do that to any sane man. I’ll be the one to say it, I wish him the best of luck. To Jeff, may he meet the woman of his dreams!
Buenos Aires, Vienna, Paris, Cologne, Copenhagen, Barcelona, Madrid, Berlin, Madrid, Paris, Milan, Naples, Nantucket, Hong Kong, London, Athens, Mykonos, Cannes, Zurich, St Tropez, Ivory Coast, Morocco, New Delhi, Osaka, Rome, Paris, Milan, St Lucia...
This merely accounts for the last 6 months of Carlotta’s travels, I’m exhausted just looking at it. But of course, when you are invited to as many club openings, celebrity beach parties, society events, charity fundraisers, red carpet events and premieres, and it’s this or stick around in boring Manhattan playing bored old mommy, how can you say no?
For most the Ferrari is the pinnacle. You make it in the world and that lifelong dream you’ve slaved your life away for finally is afforded to you. Of course the image you had in mind was a lot slicker when you were 25 and had your whole head of hair.
But not for Stephen. Thanks to family money his first wheels were a 365 GT4 BB in a low key ‘Sailor’s Teal’. So naturally, his next step was the chopper, which is really a bit of a run around, you know, useful to dash between meetings in the city and impromptu lunches in the Hamptons.
The Yacht, like all things of the mega rich is a complete waste of money, the more you have the more you should be seen to be losing. You’re eyes wouldn’t just water if you know how much it costs to run his ‘little lady’, they’d cry enough to fill a marina for it to sit unused in for the next six months, which is exactly what it does.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me like schools don’t pay their staff with fat wads of cash...I dunno, this and that packet of ‘Mind Screw’...If I was Winchester I wouldn’t be paying those steep fees either with this kind of teacher in charge.
“It costs a lot of money to look this cheap” The famous words of Fabian’s hero, Dolly Parton is a sentiment he chooses to live by. Foregoing luxury, Fabian lives in a room-share with five other people and saves up as much as possible to work on his stage-costumes. The fall back plan is to take his show to Vegas. Having traveled half the way round the globe for the opportunity to have his name in lights, his masterplan is to schmooze movers and shakers coming through the airport and naturally get his big-break. Befriending Disney Stars? Yes. Knowing all Angelina’s kids’ names? By heart. Being up to date on DiCap’s latest girlfriend? Undoubtedly. It’ll all pay off, one day, for sure.
You’d have thought you’d see someone puffing on one of these Cruella deville cigs, they’re certainly eye-catching! If you haven’t that’s because, the head of Malboro, an old pal of Augustine’s from Wharton, had them mocked up for her birthday one year as a joke. The original packet read:
"Killer-strength ADVANCE: containing unregulated levels of Tobacco for the hard-hitting behemoths who run this world. Relax bitch, unwind and take a toxic drag on one of these pitch-black beauties. Happy Birthday, you old whore.”
Augustine got the joke, but after chain-smoking her way through the pack she immediately demanded they go into production for her exclusive interests.
“Ditch the hokum spiel on the back this time Larson, you old fag."
How is it that the world deifies Steve Jobs, Mark Zukerberg, Bill Gates, and yet Naguri has fallen so below the radar? This man is a genius, nothing short of. Shouldn’t we be studying his sleep patterns, asking him what’s next and recording his every move for prosperity? Where’s the book deal, the in-depth rare interview? I’ll tell you...
This man is a cut above even those guys, a stealth genius, a very rare breed, insistent on invisibility, no doubt an intuitive master of Sun Tzu and a ghost in the age of the Narcissist.
What this man knows, we don’t dare believe. What this man is capable of we have yet to imagine. What this man means to us, we are all bound to neglect. That is his treasure.
On every tour Mimimoko gives of Japan, this is her favorite destination. She has an affinity with “the naturals”, finding relief in their company after spending so much time forging friendships that last only a matter of days. Expect to find her at the Penguin Pool giggling with her spirit animal.
OK, I thought the Zoo was Mimimoko’s favorite spot in Tokyo, but it transpires after hours that all changes. In her down time and with clients she has become natural friends with over their stay, she invites them out - that is to say she drags them along to a Karaoke bar - to let loose. It’s her party trick to then give a sake-drenched rendition of a specifically selected song to troll them with.
Winchester’s was ‘Eye of the Tiger’. Can you guess why?
While others gleefully smile as they blow out their candles and make a wish, Theo reassures himself, "another year down, hang on in there, we can do this"...Christ, and they say these are the best years of your life!
But this year is a bit different. Emily’s by his side. He asked Juanita to make him this dark cake all the same. He wouldn’t want to spoil his image just because his heart beats love ballads and springtime birdsong, now would he?
Only four calls. Well it’s early yet, Sam’s sure to pester Alex some more, especially since she’s the one to blame for his current predicament. Thing is, Alex just doesn’t have time for his idiocy, she has a real job with real world issues.
“Jeez Sam, quit it already!”
Aww...that’s so sweet! See, Sam isn’t the giant douche Alex makes him out to be. He’s actually really rather sentimental and kind when it comes down to it.
Little Rita’s is a big part of Solomon family history. Back when Sam & Alex’s mom walked out, Jeff was left Mr. Kramering it on the domestic front. He didn’t have a clue how to cook an egg, let alone make a nourishing meal. Many nights were spent round Little Rita’s at their spot, kindly always reserved by Lili for 7pm after soccer practice and ballet.
The kids don’t know it, but after years of confiding in Lili over the shock and heartache at Belinda leaving, Jeff took her on a date. The fling lasted a few months. The two remain good friends, emailing now and then with recipes, relationship advice and “these funny internet picture things” (that’s ‘memes’ to those of you not born before 1980).
Aesthetically spartan, technologically potent. This small cube contains enough power to send a man to Pluto, or so Zinc says. Conceived as ‘The Oracle’, envisaged to transmit data from multiple streaming sources, feeding live dynamic-graphs against in-coming news items. Most definitive of all, so as to live up to its grandiose name, Zinc intended that The Oracle have revolutionary quasi-prophetic abilities with interpretive pre-analytic AI at its core. He's still refining the algorithms for his patented propheti-tech, but is certain that this small device, once fully streamlined, shall replace not just every computer in every office all over the world, but a large proportion of the inert, incompetent and lazy employees draining company’s prime resources. Thankful of his God-given talents, Zinc named the first prototype ‘Lazarus 2020’, “because Lord is my shepherd”.
Southern Italians don’t tan, they bake. It’s the done thing, totally irreversibly bad for you, totally Italian, meaning totally who gives an F. No, that is not a Thanksgiving turkey you can see on a bed of tinfoil, no, that’s just your everyday Fabrizio, Marco, Guiseppe, Paolo or Raphael turning from man to Adonis with five solid hours of turning, basting and cooking. That’s right...basting: baby oil works just as good as anything else, but as every status-fiend knows Trevisani intense tanning lotion is the brand to be seen with.
Apply, set the timer and wait...Ding! We have ourselves one piping hot Lothario! Delicious, but very, very oily and extremely bad for you. Enjoy in moderation.
Model, DJ, Actor, Photographer, Influencer...oh jeez, spare me, I know the type! Let me guess, he’s a millennial, a good chunk of his appeal resides in his unbelievable sense of self-absorption and self-entitlment...his names not on the list...”don’t know who I am, I’m going to call my manager!!”
Sam has no time for this goon, but since he pocketed the card, it would be funny to check out his Instagram to see all his gross pouting oiled-up model shots.
Award Season! That means liquor flowing on someone else’s tab.
21:45: Another scotch, with a twist please.
21:59: Oh sure, I’ll have a champagne. Cheers!
22:07: Thanks, I’ll take one for her too.
22:12: What are those drinks with the orange tops they have over there, can I get one? Hmmm...make that three.
22:21: Wow, it’s very swimmy in here.
22:27: Where’s my tequilas I ordered?
22:31: Woohoo! Damn.
22:37: Get me another whatever liquid you have. I said NOW!
22:46: Get me another lady.
22:52: What d’you mean I’ve had enough? I run this thing, it’s my name up there, they’re talking about me. I’m Winyestar Spowel......oh it’s me....get out of my way...move aside...
Free thinkers. Mavericks. Leaders. Visionaries. Rebels. Libertines. These are all words that could be used to describe the Solomon man. They aren’t afraid to stick it to the system, to stand up and be heard, or be the voice of the downtrodden. Jeff had these pursuits at heart when was charged with breaking and entering the local HazChem plant to do a twenty seven hour sit-in with his band of followers, ‘The Free Ones’. As for Sam, his protests have less of a political agenda. Remember his stint at McDonalds? Well, he uploaded a clip from his ‘fast food fantasy’ to pornhub, which found its way onto a documentary about Fast Food Standards as an exposé. After the video went viral, Sam was fired and McDonalds had him charged. Sam spent two weeks in jail. He still hasn’t told Jeff about that one.
Just hear them out, this happened way before the whole #MeToo movement, and I know it sounds kinda creepy, but it was all done in the spirit of “the love of sport” (Ash), and the “sheer appreciation of unparalleled physical beauty, dude” (Sam).
Sam found a pair of matching janitors’ suits in a Salvation Army, names: Decker & Stew, in their exact sizes. Meant. To. Be. That upcoming weekend the Harvard Women’s Volleyball team were playing the Championships. Ash didn’t get it at first, why the hell did he want to be a janitor when he could watch the girls bounding around?! Sam made him see sense, “who are we to say we’re too good for a lowly job like washing…THE…SHOWER…ROOM…FLOORS…after the girls have got all hot and sweaty?” “Dude, I’m in!”
How the mighty have fallen. What cover will he be on next, TIME’S Has Beens of the Year?
It should have been a bad sign, Winchester used to refuse any and all press coverage, it wasn’t that he was too cool for it, but he just never got into business to be a poster boy. Over the years, that changed, reaching its hubristic pinnacle in this cover, Time Magazine Person of the Year. It didn’t go to his head, the ego had been there for a while now anyway, but it did mess with it somewhat, causing him to ruminate on what exactly there was left to achieve after this, and, most frightening of all, if all that was ahead for him was a tragic crash and burn into obscurity.